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    Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		1:29p
    Did you cover your tracks? Yes sir!
     Groggy, despite that I've been awake since ten. TMI showed up early this morning, but I got to the aspirin just in time to kick it in the ass. That and the bottle of Samichlaus my brother gave me, have conspired to make waking up difficult.

    Have an offer for cover work for Immanion Press, so yay!

    Finally killed my old DeviantArt account. I thought I did so a while back, to be honest, but apparently not.

    If I do anything that could be construed as 'useful' or 'work' today, it's probably going to be writing. Maybe crafty things, but writing looks more likely right now. Also thinking of ordering a couple of used books on Amazon, the ones where I'll be paying little more than shipping.

    Still waiting on the copy of Pentacle Magazine with my work in it, and whether or not I was accepted for the Lilith anthology. Received my contributor's copy of Women's Voices in Magic, but haven't quite started reading it yet. They got the title of my essay wrong, at least in the contents, but they spelled my name correctly, thank fuck.

    And so far it looks like New Year's is going to see us at The Thinking Man.

    Current Music: Dead Can Dance-Cantara/Tom Waits-Don't Go Into That Barn
    Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		1:52p
    Home again, home again.
     A good night's sleep in MY OWN FRIGGING BED! Heaven! I got quite literally no sleep the night before either end of the trip. 10-14 hours in a car on no sleep is Not Fun.

    This is going to be short. For now. I'm planning on spending today catching up on the Internets, cleaning, and decompressing. The trip went well. Everyone was seen who was intended to be, except for my dad, which meeting up fell apart because of miscommunication and him having to go in for follow-up chemo again pretty early the day I was leaving.

    I was asked uncomfortable questions like 'What are your plans for the year?' and 'When are you having kids?'. The latter multiple times from both my family and his.

    My gifts were well-received. I didn't get much stuff myself, understandably, some candles, very nice toiletries I can't use because Bath & Body Works' perfumes are Teh Hell on my skin, the new Placebo cd (from [info]wolven, who said he's also getting me a really nice Gerber knife I found at Fry's while we picked up something for his dad)) a notebook, some cash. I took home some things from my grandmom's china cabinet, intending on grabbing something before my mom gets rid of it all. Two brown and gold Japanese teapots, and a set of demitasse cups and saucers (missing one cup, which may have been my fault) in iridescent boneware with gold cherry blossoms (pics later). I also found one of my old sheet sets, and my old furry coat, which need washing badly (on a second go now, as it still smells of mold) as well as some lining and pocket repair.

    I also found a bunch of my old stuffed animals, including a little plush doll with blue yarn hair that was the first toy I ever owned, in the basement at my mom's and ruined by the leaky basement. This was enough to make me cry, because it was not rescuable. Her head was styrofoam, so cleaning would likely melt it.

    I am terribly sentimental, sometimes.

    I got to see my cousin's new baby. He slept the entire visit, but they do little else at a few weeks old. I realised that I was creatively burnt out, and only drew once the entire trip in the car on the way up, a little doodle of the road. Instead, I read things.

    Got to go to Ben's Chili Bowl briefly before leaving DC. I got veggie chili and fries, and Gods Damn, that was tasty chili. Beans, mushrooms, and whatnot, and just spicy enough.

    The ride home was several hours longer than it should have been because Virginia, from DC to Fredricksburg, was a parking lot. We have an alternate route for next time, down 301 (I think).

    Satellite radio is pretty cool.

    Um, yeah. That's about it for now. Longer than I'd wanted. Time to work out because HOLY FUCK I need to, badly. Then, I'm moving my cds from the hutch to a big media bookcase [info]tsarina_bomba gave me, and putting the china, and possibly my jars and boxes of seeds, in there.

    Current Mood: tired
    ladyenna
         		10:26a
    sin fest quote:
    "in life, man, you gotta learn how to stop and smell the roses.  ...unless you're being chased by the angle of death. Then you might want to run."

    i'm 25 today
    at an early birthday dinner with my aunt and grandfather on sunday we talked about what i think my life will be like at 50
    at some point i thought i was going to get married when i was 24 or 25, someone told me that was going to happen and i don't really invest a Lot in people who see things like that but i do make sure i listen.
    hopefully a quarter of a century from now my birthday will not also be in the hospital

    i wish i had time to really sit down and write
    Ch came up from new york last night
    such a cuddle bug sleeper
    its good too because really... if you want to be in a realtionship with me you have to figure out where i'm sleeping and meet me there
    ha
    maybe thats why i'm so inclinced to live with people i'm datein, otherwise i never see them
    though Ch is Awesome about finding ways to see me, work with me etc
    he's still in bed

    crapola, just tlaked to mom
    the pain meds weren't connected last night so shes in super duper pain
    oh man this is gonna be rough
    Monday, December 28th, 2009
    minkrose
         		2:04p
    ladyenna
         		9:07a
    i shouldn't try and write now i know
    mom is in the shower
    washing with anti bacterial stuff before the hospital
    she can't eat anything
    didn't sleep well i dont think
    understandable

    hmm
    no
    there isn't time to write about what i want

    dad said "well, at some point you've got to be monogomas"
    in responce to me wishing i could go visit dogson for a few weeks and still be able to return to my life
    one of the reasons Ch is great is he doens't tolerate exboyfriend bull shit
    not saying that all my interactions with ex boyfriends is bull, not at all
    but
    he's just pretty clear about whats ok and whats not, and its actaully helpful for me to be more clear about the messages i'm giving and receiveing
    we'll see how he does meeting scottie tomorrow
    we'll see how I do seeing scottie tomorrow
    that boy holds some key to my muse that i just dont understand otherwise

    really want to write more about all this and not just leave it hanging
    but i've got to get my bag ready for the hospital
    Sunday, December 27th, 2009
    ladyenna
         		11:32a
    i had three long, detailed, colorful dreams

    the first
    involved my father driving me to my mothers at winnisook, awkwardly the day before her surgery
    very awkward difficult dream
    dad feeling put out, mom feeling overwhlemed and both looking at me to fix it
    then all of the members of my mothers family came to help mom and passed by dad without a real hi,very awkward dream

    then there was a type of theater production
    i was doing set and lights
    and it was very awkward
    i think the mob made up half the cast so sometimes all the guys in black coats just weren't there and i couldn't yell at them
    i think Roman had gotten me the job
    show went ok
    something strange happened, i was in my burningman tent in the theatre, it was dusty
    somehow i ended up having to wash people in order to cleans them to see if they were truly good and could help me
    and then i started to fly
     i was getting chased after by the mob people
    i knew something and could do something that i shoudln't
    and so did my friend
    i thought i knew where she was but i decided to go to san franscico first to get them off my trail
    any time i stopped i had to clean myself with warm clay
    and i flew
    it was laborus
    especially if i had to start from the ground
    to jump up and make it higher was very difficult
    and my feet kept getting stuck in my pants
    i flew thru open makrets and along apple orchard paths
    at one point i was in some kind of covered market and i saw a cat i thought was artimis (W's cat)
    and i tried to rescue it\
    turnd out not to be her
    eventually i made it to the coast, i knew because there were seaguls
    i asked some guy how far sanfrancisco was pointing south
    he pointed north and said about 8 miles
    great!
    i got there and started looking for marina
    a girl from the pathwork center who i deeply miss not havingin my life
    i start describing her to people and trying to find her

    it ended somewhere in there
    there was another dream too but i can't quite remember it

    maybe it involved scottie
    who is around and wants to meet up
    ladyenna
         		12:09a
    who is it, exactly, that i am aloud to be unhappy and processing in front of?
    a lot of what i'm going thru right now i dont want to share with a lot of people because its kind of private family stuff
    and then even with the people i feel like i can talk about Thoes issues with...
    most of them are goig thru enough of their own shit that i can't really feel comfortable offloading my own shit on them
    and even if i did... no one is Here, in this Room and i don't want to really open up that deep over a fragil phone connection that could die at any moment or with someone who is going to get interrupted

    we talked a bit about who to share what with tonight in the context of facebook
    my grandmother and step mother are on facebook
    and there was a convorsation about what kind of dialog do you share with who etc
    personally i don't get that deep on facebook
    and an odd group of people know this but... not that many, and most people who've known me for a long time or that i dont know at all
    my current boyfriend doesn't even have it

    in anycase, i've got to get to sleep i guess
    nothing good comes of LJing late into the night in albany

    not to mention the little ones that will be up soon.
    Saturday, December 26th, 2009
    ladyenna
         		3:16p
    seems like my little brother is pretyt content to sit on my lap as i type
    so i'm going to try and type for a litle bit before my sister comes down and recks havoc on all that is calm


    i'm in albany
    at my dads
    i'm in the newly finished basment where i am sleeping
    i narrowly avoided sleeping in katies room
    that would have been a bit of a nightmare i think

    i wish i liked being here more
    i wish i had a few days of actual peace
    its going to be hard to see CH on monday
    i miss him and look forward to having him near me but
    hes still going to be crazed with play writing and a little strung out
    and i'm going to be a little maxed out myself
    it doesn't help that i desperatly want to leave the country and am therefore trying to plan any way to make that work

    hmmm
    little brother is a little less satisfied
    his little keyboard odesn't seem to be making enough noise

    are we all aware that "a young ladies Illustrated Primer" is just a generation of kids away from being real?
    my daughter will probably have one

    annnnnnd he's gotten into the tape

    i still want to write about willy and sisi
    and the amazing polirod project i got
    but little brother is loosing patchienst
    asadlkjh
    gone
    Friday, December 25th, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		10:36a
    We are in DC.
     Happy and Merry whatever to whomever wants it. :D

    The drive went okay; good time, lots of asshattery on the roads. Hit [info]wolven with a snowball the moment I could. :D

    Watching A Christmas Story. Preparing to get up and make oatmeal. And who knows what's happening today, aside from getting a toothbrush (forgot mine) and visiting D's dad and grandmom.

    Tomorrow, setting out further north to my mom's. Hitting Ben's Chili Bowl on the way out, and a Target to pick up something for my sister.

    Mmyep. Read Justine Musk's 'Uninvited' last night. It's weird trying to put my head into high school characters at this point, but it was a very cool little book.

    Breakfast!

    Current Mood: hungry
    Thursday, December 24th, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		1:10a
    FINALLY.
     ( Cut for many, many pictures. )

    Now, to bed. Maybe after stabbing the fucknut whose car alarm is going off and freaking out the dog, whose daddy isn't home to comfort/deal with her.

    Current Mood: tired
    Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		11:19a
    LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY.
     In no real order:

    My laundry.
    Shower.
    D's laundry.
    Put clothes away so we have empty laundry bags upon return.
    Painting for his mom.
    Painting for my grandmom.
    (If I can) painting for HIS grandmom.
    And his Aunt Stacey. (probably not happening)
    Decorate the jar of beads & stuff for little cousin.
    Pack clothes.
    Pick out CDs for car rides.
    Cut more catnip and hang it to dry before the cold kills all of it.
    Pick out books to bring.
    Leave out clothes for the morning.
    Photograph shirt for nephew.
    Scan brother's painting.
    Scan grandmom's painting.
    Upload new photos.
    Make Wintermas present post.
    Re-pot baby rosebush.
    (Probably) pack markers & the like. (also not happening)
    Set coffeepot on auto, to be ready by seven am.
    Set out rum & candy to leave up at the crossroad.
    Find a copy of 'Spook Country' for D's dad.
    Look up Google maps routes, figure out which ones will be best.
    Wrapping what can be wrapped. (While watching Zim's Horrible Holiday Cheer. This will be last, because once I start I don't think I'll want to get up again unless it's for bed.)

    I'm sure there's some things I'm missing, here, and it will be added later if I think of it. Things are also to be crossed off as I get them finished.

    Current Mood: OMFGBUSY.
    unknownbinaries
         		1:06a
    I'll be everything I'm not.
     Took third at Trivia.

    Edited my earlier post to improve my shitty not-yet-awake grammar.

    Realised that I've reached a point where I'm feeling aimless about magic because (and I had this problem trying to learn to program) I don't know what to do with it. I have all these tools and things, and am not sure what to aim them at, what purpose to make the end result/intent serve. I do know that I want to adapt some of the things involved in hoodoo that I've been fascinated with, the oils and powders and the like, and the very hands-on approach, to the kinds of things I do. Take the lessons of the tradition and adapt it. I'm probably starting with edible things because that's where my mind goes, when I picture all those mysterious bottles and herb packets, is to something transformative and libational.

    Really, Firefox? Your spell-check doesn't recognise 'transformative'?

    Anyway, more and more, focus and clarity seem to be what I am lacking. And a sense of what I want or expect from things. Too much of it is bad, but so is too little. It leaves you with no direction, no intention, no will.

    Finished and spray-coated my brother's painting. Made a shirt for my nephew; 'Batman in Training'. Might paint something pretty for my grandmom, a rose or something, as well getting her the gift card. Still don't know about D's dad. Getting a straight answer from that man is difficult. And that's assuming you can reach him.

    I'm going to go lay down and read, and think.

    Current Mood: creative
    Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		3:42p
    Should've asked me what went wrong.
     I can do this.

    I've pencilled the thing for [info]wolven's mom, and have confirmation that it is not only good, but ridiculously cute. It's a baking angel loosely based on her, with her helper cherubs, loosely based on Thomas Blackshear's baby-pixie figures. (Side note: I LOVE his angel. paintings. A lot.)

    The Goetic I was working on is finished and will be scanned soon.

    I have a couple things I need to go out to the garage and primer, and I'd like to repot the roses for [info]wolven's stepmom today while it's still sunny, because it's really pretty nice outside.

    I've got a couple of jars, two of which are cleaned and drying, one still needs a good soaping.

    I deleted the install for my language software, like an idiot, so while I can copy the Swedish I disc for my mom, but I need to go find and ISO of the thing that runs it.

    I found out via [info]nonfluffypagans that apparently there's a twat in England who has the sack to have named himself Arthur Pendragon. And this is why, if I've ever had any other Names for use in those kinds of things, they are between me and my nonphysical peanut gallery gods, and not taken from Cool Historical Folks. Because if I screw up like that (though I think Solstice did happen astronomically around when they showed up, the people who run the site of Stonehenge had a specific time for when gathering was allowed) I'll look like enough of an ass. I won't need to look like a pretentious ass as well. I went through the whole Goth Name thing in high school (some guy trying to convince me that his name was Malachai Childe or some similar bullshit) and it was silly even to high-school me.

    Okay, NOW I'm just procrastinating.

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: Sneaker Pimps-Lightning Fields/Muse-Assassin
    Monday, December 21st, 2009
    unknownbinaries
         		9:11p
    Found.
     “To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
    To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
    and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
    and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.”

    - Wendell Berry
    from “To Know the Dark”, Farming: A Handbook
    (Harcourt Brace, 1970)

    Current Mood: quiet and turned inward
    Current Music: Android Lust-Stained
    ladyenna
         		9:06p
    i can handle my emotions i just have a lot of them right now
    and its hard
    and if i care about you and i think you really care about me... i feel like i should actually say how i'm feeling
    i don't really want to protect anyone right now
    just myself.
    so if you ask how i'm feeling and i tell you that i'm having a really hard time and i need to cry.... but you aren't there.... so i'm not going to over the phone...
    i dont know what to say
    your frustrated and i'm frustrated.
    your frustrated because you don't think you can help me and it hurts
    and i'm frustrated because i just need to feel comfortable enough to express myself
    its one of thoes situations where i'm fine on my own
    i can handle myself
    if i think i have someones support i can feel more... but its thats taken away or not actaully there... then i'm worse off
    so don't let me assume i have support when i don't

    i'm venting

    i dont want to talk about this stuff in an email
    and i don't want to talk about this stuff on the phone with someone whos got a time limit or someone in the next room
    i want to talk about this stuff with someone who can make the space for me
    who calls me because they've made the space for me

    i don't want to protect you from my emotions
    i dont want to hide how i'm feeling for you
    i can
    but i'll end up getting bitter about it and distant
    though if the result of shareing how i'm feeling is you feeling shitty and getting frustrated and angry with me (not at me but with me there).... then maybe it Would be better not to
    i guess its a double standard
    to not want to hide how i'm feeling, but then not want you to show me that you're that frustrated.
    i never know how much to share
    of myself

    i never know how much to share of myself

    i'm having a rought time right now but i'm perfectly fucntional
    everyone i've been working with thinks i'm fine and happy and same as always
    but thats because they aren't important
    i dont belive they have the right to know how i'm actaully feeling

    if you want to know...
    i've felt incredibly sick all day and almost cried on the subway home
    but that was after i worked at two places and ran several errands...
    i'm more comfortable with my emotions right now so they come up more easily
    i think this is a good thing
    except that i'm totally overwhelmed with the family pressures to be the happy one
    to be the one that keeps it all together for everyone
    that is my role,
    its not even just illuded to
    its frankly stated
    i'm there to be on everyones side and keep everyone happy and hear everyones gripe
    and i do it because i love them and i genuinly want to know and want to help
    its just that right now the extreams are a bit.. sevier and in some cases close to life threatening, at least some forms of life
    i continue to be disillusioned and continue to love and respect
    those are two things that can be difficult to hold at the same time

    i am sure it must be very difficult
    to be in love with me
    and see me care so much i hurt myself
    and feel like there is nothing you can do.
    but loving me and being there for me Is doing something
    and trusting that i am actually strong enough to deal with it all is also helpful.


    i'm starving and have a lot of christmas presents to make
    call if you like, i'll likely answer

    anyone wanna catsit?
    or at least drop in and check on them?

    plus, super duper new years eve plans have been made
    email me if you'll be in new york

    also... my birthday birthday is totally fucked, what did i say earlier? sacrificed to the gods of -what-the-fuck?
    anyway birthday birthday dinner in kingston or something, for the upstaters
    TURNING 25 by the way, bah who cares, lets make it smaller so its not a big deal i'm missing it
    post birthday dinner on the 30th will be Something in the city.
    if you want to come.... you should probably just txt me on the 30th...
    unknownbinaries
         		4:51p
    Set out for Oklahoma at a quarter to nine...had a trunk full of hardware and a bottle of space brine
     Merry Solstice, anyone who wants it. Whether you're celebrating the night and the snow, or the light returning. Me, I'm doing a little of both. And I've got things to make soon in regards to this.

    I'm catching up. Somewhat. Still don't know what the fuck to give my grandmom (and my dad was no help with this), or [info]wolven's dad (who was no help for himself). But I'm a hair from finished with my brother's, just got pictures of all the large pieces outside, and have an idea for [info]wolven's mom's that shouldn't take too long. If I have to, I'll bring all my markers and my spray-fix in the car to finish it. I'm going to give my baby rosebush to [info]wolven's stepmom, because part, if not most of it, is from the crazy one that's cheerfully blooming right now, and it should do well up in DC, too.

    Hm. Need to collect one of those flowers, either before sunset or once the moon's out.

    I also have a sketch for the next Goetic, and another conclusion about that type of work as well. What not to expect.

    Okay, finished lunch, should have the shots of those pieces up later tonight or tomorrow. I also need to burn off copies of my learning Swedish software for my mom, some cds I want for the drive up and back, and get a 4-pack of Midas Touch for my brother.

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: Darkest of the Hillside Thickets-Yig Snake Daddy
    Sunday, December 20th, 2009
    ladyenna
         		10:34p
    dancy dance http://vimeo.com/8297536
    ladyenna
         		4:21p
    and she said too much again
    as she hoped for clarity and to hear back everything she's trying to get out
    she doesn't really think its too much, compared to how much is left unsaid
    but she feels more than sees the well fill up and she receds to attempt nothing and walk on on her own.
    her hands are cold but her bed is warm and she is always turning on another light
    if you ask her for a stone, she'll ask you what you want it to say
    if you ask her to sing.... she might just dance.
    ladyenna
         		12:38p
    actual temperature: 30F
    "feels like" 19F
    at least a foot of snow out there...
    and what am i about to do?
    get all suited up to go dance in the snow for a video
    ' - )

    ...the question is... to what song?
    unknownbinaries
         		12:20p
    Leave nothing but the bones.
     I tried to post this last night, and the Internet failed as I clicked on the 'update journal' link, so I took that as a sign that I should go to bed. Also, I lacked the patience to fuck around with the connection at that point. It was too bad, because I laid in bed, awake, overly warm by a lot, for the next two and a half hours. I had to go check the thermostat at some point to see if the batteries in it had failed again. They had not, I was just warm.

    And a fat little grey bird, a junco or similar, just flew into the office window. It seemed to be okay, and flew off as I approached the window to see what happened.

    I got a little package in the mail from [info]primaldog yesterday. In it was a Yule card containing a raven feather and a bit of (white?) wolf fur as well as some lovely well-wishes, and a little bracelet made from (snake?) vertebra and a little silver wing charm. This made me feel warmfuzzy. One of these days, I'll undertake the same kind of thing for everyone I've got an address for. :D

    I put everything on my dresser altar, aside from the bracelet which I wore (and am terrified I'm going to shatter into a million little pieces) not thinking that the cats would be interested in it because they don't touch my collection of feathers anymore, and, well, the last thing I expected them to be interested in is Big Damned Predator Dog-Type Fur, because they both hate our roomies' dog. I should've known better than to expect anything, because when we got home, it was on the floor and part of it was stuffed in my slipper. The feather was untouched.

    The painting for my brother is coming along. I'm thinking of trying to get another piece in before Thursday, some kind of bakery-themed thing for [info]wolven's mom, because she (and her sister, I think) are opening a bakery, soonish, up in DC. When there's an address and an opening, I will point these out. She makes the best damned German Chocolate cupcakes I've ever had.

    Last night turned out to be two good parties. The one at [info]wolven's work was fun, and full of delicious snacks, both healthy and not at all, including the most probable reason that I couldn't sleep; a large bowl full of chocolate-covered espresso beans. For me, those are like giving Rush Limbaugh full rein in an apothecary, and I will eat them like popcorn, consequences be damned. I think the nail in the snack coffin was the espresso rum cake, which was so rummy I'm sure it was flammable.

    The stop by [info]cailement's was regrettably short, because [info]wolven had to get up and open the coffeeshop this morning. I ate more, there, against my better judgment, because I still felt like I needed something that wasn't a snack, but actual dinner-type food. I had a small slice of pizza with bacon and prosciutto (Super Bacon!) and chicken wings. Games were played, conversations were had.

    I've got something stewing on the growing and fairly recent (last year or two) separation I've placed between what I post here and my magical practices, about writing for books on the same, how keeping records regularly is a huge help to keeping me on top of it all, and how my practice has gotten terribly lazy since I stopped feeling okay writing it down here. But I'm a touch hungover, mainly just out-of-it, and that's probably for later after I talk it out with [info]wolven for a bit. We never did go to the mall last night; he called around to find the thing for his mom, first, and had it held til today, so we've got that to do, and the trip I'd wanted to make to the thrift store.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: VNV Nation-Homeward
    ladyenna
         		12:05p
    ha
    poor lill ash won't stop crying!
    should say poor BIG ol ash
    its just because of the cranes taped to teh ceiling, he can't get over it and wants to play with them so badly!
    its pretty cute and he's pretty entertained

    wow, was going to write more now but my stomac just let me know i'm STARVING
    ladyenna
         		3:08a
    there is some foul smell eminating from the corner of my art room.
    i can not find its source the place where its the strongest... i compleatly cleared out and there is nothing left nothing but the floor, which smells foul, which i windexed... to no avail
    wow this music is so beautiful
    if you haven't listened to it you really should
    Abigail Washburn, Sparrow Quartet, also including bela fleck
    really amazing american bluegrass artists melding with chinese
    ( lyrics )
    strange using this computer
    my wonderful roommate wiped and reinstalled my computer
    i dont know what i lost and i dont want to think about it too hard lest i realize that i lost something dear to me
    last night trying to record a new song i wrote i ended up deleting one from my mp3player, it was the only place that song exsited and i haven't heard or sang it in long enough so i have forgotten it compleatly

    ...........................
    from my AAID journal the other day :
    she doesn't know how many times she's like to him
    she doens't know how many times she's told the truth
    is it a lie if she simply doesn't speak?
    if she, complexly, doens't utter a peep
    except for the ocasional vibration that escapes her throat as her defenses fade slepping sleepward on her side at tnight.
    wraped in his tangle of warmpth her mind slips under the lid and shakes her head a No to something she'd rather not menetion.
    if he knew would he leave?
    if she todl him everything, pointed everything out... would he feel defeated?

    her bed is on the floor keeps her grounded
    the necklaces draping from her lamp above her head a dreamcatcher of nights not lost, but no longer here
    she doesn''t believe she's lied to herself, thought could be pressed to clarify a lack of constant complete honesty.
    she might argue over responsible communication.
    --
    somehow she mangaged to neglect mentioning her "new" relationship to him... over several months and lenghthy convorsations.
    the danger is in mutual muses
    inspiring love is easy
    inspiring creation is hard to come by
    he wonders where he can find her
    and she wonders how to avoid admiting how much she wants him to.
    ...............................................

    Ha! this is a quite from Ch that i wrote in my journal i love it! :
    "i would never put you in a box without first explaining that it was cardboard or some other brightly colored paper that could easily be jumped out of."

    i think i might have photoshop tomorrow!
    for realz!
    yay for ben
    my eye is still twitching constantly
    i didn't get around to throwing out half of my possesions today but i did manage to decorate the livingroom christmasy big spiral of lights on the ceiling cranes taped and hanging down
    tormenting the cats to no end
    its snowy outside and i'm pretty much in love
    nevermind the boy is in austin

    listening to music on headphones is really a totally different experiance
    this really is a lovely album

    ...sooo..... google wants my cell number... and i'm tempted to give it over i do Not have an iphone, or rather,  i suppose i now have one, but not in the traditionally functional sense...
    so if i want google to be able to txt me my calender info... which would have been incredibly useful the past week or so when my comp was dead... then i have to set it up with my phone number...
    i'm trying out google chrome right now not making me as happy as firefox, not as many plugins that i got spoiled with not sure about all of this.

    ........
    barefoot in the park
    the red dressed lady wiht lights in her hair
    slips on the beads
    scattared next to the israeli knock off cheetoes 
    left by the cerial killers qickfix
    while the fabric butterfly bleads its colors into a new text mimicking runic mars
    .....

    done for now i suppose my computer is tryin to update and kick me off so i haven't much choice right now .
    Saturday, December 19th, 2009
    ladyenna
         		4:42p
    so very very tired
    got to sleep sometime around 7 and woke up too early
    head hurts
    but wonderful roommate made me eggs

    ben, super useful and awesome friend, might be coming over soon to film me dancing, because he rocks like that
    but i don't much feel like dancing

    the tiger balm my roommate rubbed on my shoulder is really cold

    dancing last night with the girls was fun
    even thought they both paired off
    i really need to make sure i go out more
    dancing regularly is really something that i need

    trying to figure out how to make all these christmas presents
    i think i'm going to make earings for girls
    and paint ties for boys
    but i have to go buy supplies for these things and i'm not motivatedenough to get out and get them... if they were already here it would be the perfect day to listen to music and not move from my artroom

    i'm still processing everything
    i'm faced with the struggle of responsible communication again
    trust
    if someone told me something about another person because they were worried.... where is the line of when i can tell that person who told me
    i dont think i said that clearly
    if A said they were worried about B, and i go to B and show concern... when is it ok for me to mention that A said so
    i don't think A wants B to know, hence why thet called Me all worried
    i dont like these dynamics

    there is a horrible smell that i can't find.
    grrrrrr
    unknownbinaries
         		1:29p
    I haven't seen the sun for days.
     Today is, unfortunately, a day for leaving the house and doing Wintermassy shopping things. They're very simplistic, thank fuck. Baking items for [info]wolven's mom, gift cards for my sister and grandmom, hair dye while I can afford it, and I'm contemplating a stop at the thrift store to see if I can find one more pair of warmer pants and some decent sunglasses. I need to pick up soap, too, and beer for my brother. I feel like there's something I'm missing, too.

    If anyone knows where I can get smaller sunglasses, like somewhere between John Lennon-type and Gary Oldman-as-younger-hot-Dracula type, in short order, let me know.

    Later, there's [info]wolven's work Christmas party, and [info]cailement's Unbirthday party. The former, if last year is any indication, should have awesome food, and the latter is always fun when I'm not getting hit on by her boyfriend's work buddies.

    I think I'm pretty much finished with the Batman piece, and I'm about to take my brother's downstairs with me so I can work on it while finishing last night's Dollhouse.

    Now, for that, and then getting a shower and all, and calling my dad back. Apparently my grandmom was in the hospital in those weeks I couldn't get a hold of him, and no one bothered to let me know.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Friday, December 18th, 2009
    ladyenna
         		7:19p
    its strange really having shit going down that i dont want to talk about
    i don't mind crying about it when someone who knows is here
    it turned out really great that KJ was here the past few nights and she could just hold me
    i told her whats up and was able to process a lot of good stuff
    my roomate knows a bit
    and of course my boyfriend knows
    my wonderful boyfriend who is currently in austin
    my roommate jokingly claims Ch has some deseise
    because he is clearly too nice to be well in the head
    ' - )

    i'mcovered in paint and looking forward to a long shower and maybe a bath
    i feel like throwing out like... half of my possesions
    i just really need help re organizing everything
    i need to take everything out and put it back again better

    i'm ok
    holding a lot of stuff for alot of people
    but not holding too much in

    i think i just can't feel comfortable talking about it much until i see him and see whats actaully happening or not happening

    its really difficult being in a not so great money place myself
    and watching both of my parents be really depressed and really struggling with money and their own demons
    i feel really lucky to have the frinds i have and the boyfriend i have right now


    so flippin tired
    time to shower
    and then go dancy dance it willfeel sooooooo gooooooood
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